xmas list.

okay so i've been more naughty than nice. but i still have my green eyes on these...

http://www.leviticusjewelry.com/shop/arrow-pendant-necklace.html

http://www.leviticusjewelry.com/shop/squid-tentacle-ring.html

http://www.leviticusjewelry.com/shop/harness/dark-harness.html

http://www.chanel.com/fashion/8-fashion-accessories#8-rounded-slightly-cat-eye-acetate-frame-colored-lambskin-leather-temples-hot-stamped-chanel-logo-quilted-finishing-select-colours-also-available-in-a-polarized-version-5,4,1,7

https://secure.vitamix.com/Vitamix-5200-Super-Healthy-Lifestyle.aspx

http://www.shop.ironfistclothing.com/Ladies-Sketchy-Fox-Scoop-PID21538-IFL0840WEB.aspx

:)

light bulb.

i've put myself in a place of isolation lately, and it's been terrifying and productive. i'm realizing a lot, having cut so much out of my life.

a) my worth. through a series of dysfunctional relationships and an unhealthy self perception, i let my self worth die a slow and painful death over the years. found myself incapable of finding my worth in myself. this period of self-imposed isolation has helped me realize how very important it is to love myself, to make time for myself and to stand up for myself. a dear friend told me recently... "v, even back in college, you were the perfect student, the perfect employee, but YOU were always a mess. you still have never learned to stop investing in everything and everyone and start investing in you." some people have said i'm being selfish in this process, and maybe i am, but it certainly is a long time coming and very worthwhile.

b) my hobbies. i've neglected so many of my interests over the past few years because i'm too busy trying to fix everything and everyone. as another friend told me, not so recently... "you used to be so interesting. i'm sorry, but you've become boring." because i put all of my energy into others and work and this and that and NONE into myself. this shit stops today. more selfishness? perhaps. but no matter which way you spin it, i think this is something i desperately need to do at this point in my life. be selfish. focus on myself. cut out all the negativity and thrive in community, support and love.

c) my social life. i think i've been using it for years and years now as an escape. an escape from my relationships, my past, myself. no more of that. through that i became far too trusting and not realistic in my expectations of people and how they react, mostly, how they react to me. i'm far too easily crushed by stones being thrown, or disapproval, or what i perceive to be a lack of support or investment in me/our relationship. that's not to say i don't still believe that community is INCREDIBLY important. i think i just need to be more selective about who i let in and how far, and i need to keep myself in check to ensure i'm not hiding behind my natural ability to be a social butterfly.

d) my faith. i have a few core beliefs that have remained intact over the years. but the last six months have shaken even those. i need to rediscover what it is i believe and why. why some things, from a faith perspective, i cling to, without much knowledge as to why. my upbringing. why does the catholic church still mean so much to me? is this something i want to get involved in, despite some beliefs that i do have that are in direct contradiction to some of the fundementals of catholicism? why is it that the prayers i learned as a little girl still mean so much to me today, after years of inactivity? why do they bring inexplicable calm when muttered? these are things i want to explore, in the hopes of becoming a better person, more loving, more patient, more hopeful and more grown.

so there are just a few of the thoughts i'm attempting to organize and file away in my head, attempting to choose where and how to invest in these revelations. i really think the last six months, as painful as they have been, needed to happen. i was in such a monotonous place, simply treading water and making it through each passing day, with no great expectations for myself or my life. i want more from my days, and only i can give myself that.

know what?

love will always, always prevail. there is nothing more powerful on this planet.

just a few thoughts.

a) i am responsible for ALL of my own mistakes and shortcomings, no doubt.

b) EVERYONE has been in a shitty place in life, where they are NOT acting like themselves in any fashion. this does not mean it's okay to judge/cast out/crucify. love is actually a much better recipe to help bring them out.

c) don't throw stones. ever.

d) be aware of your actions, and how they can hurt and wound other people. sometimes you carry blood on your hands whether you like it or not, because you were thoughtless.

e) never, ever let the way somebody does or doesn't treat you convince you of your own worth. know it in your own heart, so nobody can take that knowing away from you.

still heartbroken.

and still trying desperately not to be.

#26

congratulations, boys. words cannot express how proud i am of you, and how excited i am for you. i feel like the world finally sees what i've seen from show #1.

it's so bittersweet, to think about how that entire album was written in his room at our house, walls covered in tour posters, how i felt and heard every riff and every breakdown and every bit of every song for months and months before it ever went to the studio. while i was cooking. while i was sleeping. while i was bathing or brushing my teeth. it STILL to this day echoes through the halls of my home, bounces off the walls and feels like it is part of my soul, stitched on my skin. how i so enjoyed visiting you all while you were recording, how very much i have always missed each of you while you are away.

it's bittersweet because i've anticipated this day for so very long, ready to celebrate as the reviews come pouring in, ready to toast to you, and now, as huge as a part of my life this has been for the past five years, suddenly, it can't be.

now, i'm just another name on another list. and that breaks my heart beyond description.

but. sincerest congratulations, my boys. my brothers. each of you, EACH OF YOU, deserves this. you've done mama hippie proud.

we are monsters on our own, but banded together we overcome.

dear superfans.

you try it, then get back to me.

until then, shut the fuck up talking about shit you know NOTHING about.

sincerely,

sorry i spent the last five years getting to know any of you.

my heart is singing again.

when reality sets in.

i just had to delete a long rant that named names about what's happened in my life over the past two years. as much as i want to call everyone out, i'm just not that bitchy, so i won't.

but you know who you are.

i didn't do this. i kicked you out of my house after years of you trying to hook up with other girls while we were together. i kicked you out because you planned to fly out and see her on my birthday. while you were in my bed. while you were with my dog.

so go run your mouth and ruin my reputation, you'll always have that gnawing feeling in your gut that tells you that YOU DID THIS. i didn't.

it's hard, but you know it's worth the fight
cause you know you've got the truth on your side
when the accusations fly, hold tight
and don't be afraid of what they'll say
who cares what cowards think anyway
they will understand one day, one day

dream a little dream.

i haven't had good crazy dreams in years and years. they've been night terrors, sad, terrifying, everything short of seriously messed up. or actually seriously messed up, considering i've woken screaming, shrieking, crying or punching a wall.

but last night, i believe due to some very good conversation lately about dreams, i had a doozie.

i decided to walk my dog around my neighborhood wearing a killer black dress and my red heels. so i was dog walking wearing this:

(the dress is a little off, but these are the heels in my closet that i chose for dog walking)

the other night, in real life, while i was walking my dog, i met a sweet couple that live in one of the houses on elizabeth. the houses on elizabeth are MANSIONS. very old, one of the oldest streets in fort worth. beautiful. anyway this real life couple lives in one of them and i want very badly to see the inside.

anyway, so in my dream, i decided to stop by and say hello! so i knocked on the door, and they let me in... a gay couple mind you, and i only tell you this because it got all warped in my dream. and they had six german shepherd puppies and a mama. and the house was beautiful. stunning. then, out of nowhere, the guys start hazing me to see if i "pass" to hang out at their house. it was awful, but i just kept laughing at it, to show them i could handle it. then out of nowhere, a woman walks in, and she's gorgeous, and incredibly ecclectic and intelligent, and she looks like a wolf. like, hair in funny spots around her ears, but just gorgeous. so wolf woman, as it turns out, is the wife of one of the guys. hence total confusion.... in real life the couple is gay, so why in my dream was one of them married to a woman? anyway...

so i spent some time talking to wolf woman, and she just had so many interested things to say, i'm captivated. and she has amazing artwork everywhere, and stacks and stacks of books. enraptured. then i look out the back windows and realize their back yard looks like new zealand. or pandora. STUNNING. so we start walking through the house, the lot of us, dogs, dudes, wolf woman, and i notice these TINY LITTLE people, that look kind of like gnomes, but aren't.

i ask wolf woman why she has so many of them, and she lets me know that these are the unwanted teensy adults, that most of them are 30 or 40 or 50 years old, but they're so tiny, and hard to take care of, that people just don't. so she opened her home to scores of little adult people gnomes, and they all lived there in tiny beds and tiny bathtubs. she rebuilt part of her beautiful old mansion to house all things gnome sized.

so then the whole troup walks back to the other side of the house, into the kitchen, and we all start cooking together, and that's where it gets hazy.

FUCKIN EPIC.

maybe one day i'll get married, and maybe one day it will look like this.

Lightning strikes
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really every wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
Drop her name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through it all.
It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambient
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare.

forever on my skin.

to keep from drifting apart.

"i don't fuck around when it comes to tea." -classic.

detail oriented.

last night, i'm sitting there, stuck at the train behind my house. trying desperately NOT to think about anything anymore. thinking about Bram. thinking about the future. thinking about the catfish in the seat next to me for dinner.

when i decide to look to my left, to the where house. where i used to spend most of my time. oh, look, casey has covered the windows at the top with blankets. oh....

and there starring back at me from across the street is your blanket. the one we kept at our apartment the first week we got it.

i hate that i notice things like this. being detail oriented means i'm great at my job, an amazing cook, and have a knack for decorating... but it also means there are pieces of you everywhere, in the corners of my mind, in the window of the where house, that i'm desperately trying to ignore or forget.

i don't have to be your tragedy
just let me close & you'll see

physical ---> emotional.

it's amazing to me how the emotional can affect the physical.

for some sick reason, i just tortured myself with reading through your posts, the posts you made while you were lying to me. posts you very likely made with her in mind, knowing she was reading them.

and i broke out into a sweat and felt like i was going to be sick.

when will this feeling end? you say i'm mean, well, wouldn't you be, too?

long walks equal thoughts.

in trying to wrap my head around all of this i've realized something, that i always knew, that's only being affirmed, again: life isn't a love song, and it isn't a sitcom where you find a conclusion to your problems in 60 minutes, and it isn't a poem with comforting pentameter and a steady, predictable flow of words.

it's raw. and sometimes it's as sweet as chocolate. and sometimes it just hurts.

there's never an easy way out. you can't ever ignore your problems, because if you do, they take over you. you can't blame fear for your failures. sometimes you have to ask for help, and sometimes it's humiliating. and you have to fight like hell to stay open to love, because if you don't, then you'll never have it.

somedays life finds you sitting in your gynecologists office, sans pants, crying your eyes out and holding up all of his appointments behind you. somedays your longtime doctor proves he's a pretty good friend. somedays your mind is so far away, you get lost in your very own neighborhood, having taken a turn onto a street you never knew existed. and somedays what you thought you knew, much to your surprise, was a web of lies.

as much as i feel like i cannot drag myself out of this fog, i know i'll get out of it eventually. as i have a few times before in life. and i'll be okay. it won't be a cute punny primetime packaged process, but i will get out. and just like every time before, i'll be even stronger, even more resilient, and even more open than i was before.

can't touch this. da nuh nuh nuh, da nuh, da nuh.

my emo blog.

you're spot on about that one. this blog is filled with nothing but bullshit about you. stuff that never was real.

so go back to reading one about fashion. and shitty music. and airhead celebrities. and ugly ass pictures of her making the duck face.

YES I AM BEING INCREDIBLY IMMATURE BY WRITING ALL OF THIS. but i don't care anymore.

i don't care. i don't care. i don't.

hearing your voice on the phone just now made my stomach turn. talking to you about her. i thought i was going to puke.

so i hung up the phone and started to cry. and started to have a panic attack. i ran to the bathroom and started digging through the medicine basket for an inhaler, i found it, i used it, my breathing started to slow and calm down. i just stayed there, leaning in the doorframe of the bathroom closet for a minute, letting it hold me up.

when i realized.

i forgot a few of your things in the bathroom closet. i used to love the sight of your stuff everywhere. how your clothes never wind up in the hamper. how you'd spit in the bathtub while you were peeing, and it was gross, but it'd dry up and stick. how you never quite closed the cabinets or drawers in the kitchen.

but the sight of your stuff still tucked away in the closet, all mixed in with mine, only made me start crying again.

huh. the same behavior/accident that got me dumped...

...proved to an entire professional organization how capable i am and ended up getting me promoted.

figure that one out.

dead dead deadsky.

never trust the living.

we aren't meant to be islands...

...but this begins my journey in an attempt to become one.

the only person i can trust is my mother. she's the only person who has ever stood on her word. well, her, and lauren owens.

don't expect that when you're down and disheveled that any of them, not even the most important, will give a shit.

expect that they'll steal from you for self preservation. be it physical theft, monetary theft, or just as plain and simple as the theft of your heart and trust.

expect that if they say i don't care over and over and over and over again...they very likely actually mean it.

in other words, let it be.

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”


-Bob Marley

ME: hey guys i'm gonna quit smoking!

most: yay!!! we are here for you, you can do it! stay on track and if you fall off get right back on!

you: LET ME SEE HOW STRESSED OUT I CAN MAKE YOU AND MAKE THIS EVEN MORE DIFFICULT THAN IT ALREADY IS.

just BRILLIANT FUCKING LOGIC. brilliant.

silly v.

romance is dead ya know?

some days i believe a punch square on the nose would hurt less than words do.

i hate that song.

ch-ch-changes.

some days i'm awfully good at writing lovely little limericks about how i feel and what i'm going through. other days, not so much.

there are four changes i want this summer, so it's time to put my head down and work. most of them are entirely up to me, but some of them will require partnership and equal dedication. that's something i can't control, but can hope for, even after years of hope generally letting me down.

i want chains to the past broken. for you and for me. i feel like there's one around my neck, and i take off running away from it, only to be clotheslined by it every once in a while and being knocked down again. i feel like your chains might be around both our necks.

i want to recenter, refocus. detox, digest, make lists, clean up.

of course you wouldn't think i'd reveal my actual list here, no? of course not. well, 3 of my goals are going to be easy. it's that pesky 4th, however...

never enough. or always too much. never just right.

#40.

girl crush.

if i were to place a bet.

it'd be that you haven't been back here since. but you most certainly have been there.

hello hello hello.

bullshit. bullshit. bullshit.

the things i do for love.

a couteaux tires.

garliclove.

street credz: knox photographics <3

"can you just love me and marry me then we can move to japan after it stops being radioactive?"

"yes! i'd love that!"

"send me a pic of you right now...send me one of you in bed"

"what made you want to marry me?"

"your dumb hat and freakishly large eyes. and your brain."

" :) you're lovely. night."

such a sweet exchange of words and i'm nowhere to be found in any of it.

snap out of it, you're not making any sense.

tit for tat

back to that

you reap what you sow

you give others your affections

i have no choice but to follow

call me peg leg.

in real news: i broke my foot.

in other news: why those pages don't have more of me, i don't understand and never will.

nights like saturday night, those are the times where you should see your true glimpse of us: no fears, nobody to impress, no chains to keep you tied up, just you, me and the moon. why do you let that feeling slip far away from you, when you're capable of spending hours and hours reveling in it? you can wander and meander, but i'll stay right there, in that moment, cuddled up with you in the grass.

steady my breathing.

sex.

nothing to say.

means words spent elsewhere.

all of my senses on overdrive.

the canvas can do miracles.

a boat. really?

It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.

mono no aware.

don't stand so.

i need to learn how to do this.

who cares what cowards think anyway.

oh well, right? too much apathy.

hold your breath, make a wish, count to three, come with me.

days like today, the only thing i can do is get lost in good movies (usually musicals... you know, gentlemen prefer blondes, funny face, willy wonka) and completely retract from reality.

although, per my new zen master's advice, i will later turn this negative energy into something constructive in the form of delicious dinner. until then, it's 6:16pm and i'm already in my pajamas in bed.

today started good. should have been good. could have been good. any day your doctor calls and says something like "it's not cancer" should be good, yes? yes. okay. so we begin.

today i got called a word i've only been called by one other person ever. funny thing is, the two people who have ever said this word to me, well, they are opposites. one i love, the other i hate. and they hate each other. and yet we have agreement? even in anger or confusion? haha, ok then, life. irony of ironies.

on that note, i've over shared. and it's time for me to get lost in wonka land. i think i had a glimmer at my very own wonka land, full of bubble baths, dreadlocks, giggles and the brothers spartacus and crixus. but just like the stinky little four other than charlie, things like selfishness, greed and pride seem to have stripped it from my grasp.

all i ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by.

never even been here.

that long lost familiar urge to run, to purge my heart?

it's creeping up again.

to fight to stay open or just close? i think you may have already decided for me.

scared you'll forget about me.

dear bettie c:

you win. consider this my white flag.

not at all sincerely or with love,

v.

forward/back.

just let that shit go. live here, live now. feel the wind blow your hair into your eyes, feel your skin warmed by the sun, taste the lips of the one who loves truly.

we.

trying to keep some songs my own, since they seem to always end up being associated with other.

me lovem.

want want want want. right now. please to thanks you.



i can has?

be my st. valentine.

here's the thing... there are two types of attitudes about valentine's day. and then there's mine.

the first attitude is, i'm single and lonely and i fucking hate it and it's created by greeting card companies and it's a sick twisted capitalistic mutilation of love and i'm too indie to acknowledge it, likely because somebody somewhere in the past broke my fucking heart right before, on or after this day.

the second attitude is, i'm a princess and i expect people to spend money they can't afford to spend and i'm going to get mad and start a fight if i don't get more than what i want today, even if i never vocalized what i expected in the first place.

then there's me. let's be honest. the whole, let's make every day valentine's day copout excuse is just a load of crap, we're all too busy to set aside time each day to show the person/people we love they are necessary to us. so what the hell is wrong with having a set aside day for it every once in a blue moon? and why the hell do people live with sticks stuck so tightly up their asses that they can't enjoy the spontaneity and childlike whimsy involved with a day full of paper hearts and secret i love you notes and flowers and kindergarten gestures of crushes and romance and knights and all of that lovely fairy tale stuff?

i'm FOR valentine's day, and i don't really give two shits if you're not. some kind people along the way in my life have made it special for me, not by spending money or going way overboard, but just by embracing the really fun parts of it and making it theirs, mine, ours. isn't that what any holiday is really about? or what love is really about? just redrawing the lines so it's ours, not the masses?

yeah....xoxo and <3 <3 <3 and all that lovely shit that i actually do love. :)

disconnect.

i've realized over the past few months something about myself; there is a serious disconnect between my head and my heart. the two simply will not join forces; my head screams one thing while my heart sings something entirely different. makes this whole day-to-day decision making process quite the cluster fuck.

i'm currently sitting in an ocean of silence. forced as it may be, i think it's been productive. it's given me some time to think. to think about what i deserve and don't deserve, to reflect on my own short comings and see areas of myself i can grow and improve. to outline and define my lines, my boundaries; to know how much you can color outside the lines without entirely changing the big picture, all together, for good.

i'm reminded once again that i am an idealist at heart. wide-eyed and looking for the good everywhere in everyone, usually only to be let down by my own expectations. people are not good at heart. again....head / heart. my head has learned this. my head knows that not everyone has good intentions and not everyone is honest or respectful. my head understands people will hurt anybody for their own personal gain. my heart does not want to believe it's true. but i watch. i watch interactions. i read words on lips. i see looks in eyes. i see what happens when your back is turned, when mine is. i've seen and felt deception on far too many levels, now, to stay in neverland. and i know, humanity is a cruel, fallen race of animal destined to destroy our own. and it breaks my heart.

She was your Rosaline, but I am your Juliet
I could make you think your swan a crow
But dear if you won’t leap and build your wings
They will fall off before they ever grow
Half of your heart, you said
Wishful thinking kept me from believing
Because isn’t poetry far more lovely
Than the ugly truths you sing?

But Romeo you still haven’t seen the light that breaks
But Romeo you still haven’t loved the sun
An age old tale is no match for us
When so many things are left undone

Oh Romeo, Romeo, where did you go?
Why have you forsaken me and what’s left to know?
Give me my sin again
Give me my sin again