light bulb.

i've put myself in a place of isolation lately, and it's been terrifying and productive. i'm realizing a lot, having cut so much out of my life.

a) my worth. through a series of dysfunctional relationships and an unhealthy self perception, i let my self worth die a slow and painful death over the years. found myself incapable of finding my worth in myself. this period of self-imposed isolation has helped me realize how very important it is to love myself, to make time for myself and to stand up for myself. a dear friend told me recently... "v, even back in college, you were the perfect student, the perfect employee, but YOU were always a mess. you still have never learned to stop investing in everything and everyone and start investing in you." some people have said i'm being selfish in this process, and maybe i am, but it certainly is a long time coming and very worthwhile.

b) my hobbies. i've neglected so many of my interests over the past few years because i'm too busy trying to fix everything and everyone. as another friend told me, not so recently... "you used to be so interesting. i'm sorry, but you've become boring." because i put all of my energy into others and work and this and that and NONE into myself. this shit stops today. more selfishness? perhaps. but no matter which way you spin it, i think this is something i desperately need to do at this point in my life. be selfish. focus on myself. cut out all the negativity and thrive in community, support and love.

c) my social life. i think i've been using it for years and years now as an escape. an escape from my relationships, my past, myself. no more of that. through that i became far too trusting and not realistic in my expectations of people and how they react, mostly, how they react to me. i'm far too easily crushed by stones being thrown, or disapproval, or what i perceive to be a lack of support or investment in me/our relationship. that's not to say i don't still believe that community is INCREDIBLY important. i think i just need to be more selective about who i let in and how far, and i need to keep myself in check to ensure i'm not hiding behind my natural ability to be a social butterfly.

d) my faith. i have a few core beliefs that have remained intact over the years. but the last six months have shaken even those. i need to rediscover what it is i believe and why. why some things, from a faith perspective, i cling to, without much knowledge as to why. my upbringing. why does the catholic church still mean so much to me? is this something i want to get involved in, despite some beliefs that i do have that are in direct contradiction to some of the fundementals of catholicism? why is it that the prayers i learned as a little girl still mean so much to me today, after years of inactivity? why do they bring inexplicable calm when muttered? these are things i want to explore, in the hopes of becoming a better person, more loving, more patient, more hopeful and more grown.

so there are just a few of the thoughts i'm attempting to organize and file away in my head, attempting to choose where and how to invest in these revelations. i really think the last six months, as painful as they have been, needed to happen. i was in such a monotonous place, simply treading water and making it through each passing day, with no great expectations for myself or my life. i want more from my days, and only i can give myself that.