still heartbroken.

and still trying desperately not to be.

#26

congratulations, boys. words cannot express how proud i am of you, and how excited i am for you. i feel like the world finally sees what i've seen from show #1.

it's so bittersweet, to think about how that entire album was written in his room at our house, walls covered in tour posters, how i felt and heard every riff and every breakdown and every bit of every song for months and months before it ever went to the studio. while i was cooking. while i was sleeping. while i was bathing or brushing my teeth. it STILL to this day echoes through the halls of my home, bounces off the walls and feels like it is part of my soul, stitched on my skin. how i so enjoyed visiting you all while you were recording, how very much i have always missed each of you while you are away.

it's bittersweet because i've anticipated this day for so very long, ready to celebrate as the reviews come pouring in, ready to toast to you, and now, as huge as a part of my life this has been for the past five years, suddenly, it can't be.

now, i'm just another name on another list. and that breaks my heart beyond description.

but. sincerest congratulations, my boys. my brothers. each of you, EACH OF YOU, deserves this. you've done mama hippie proud.

we are monsters on our own, but banded together we overcome.

dear superfans.

you try it, then get back to me.

until then, shut the fuck up talking about shit you know NOTHING about.

sincerely,

sorry i spent the last five years getting to know any of you.

my heart is singing again.

when reality sets in.

i just had to delete a long rant that named names about what's happened in my life over the past two years. as much as i want to call everyone out, i'm just not that bitchy, so i won't.

but you know who you are.

i didn't do this. i kicked you out of my house after years of you trying to hook up with other girls while we were together. i kicked you out because you planned to fly out and see her on my birthday. while you were in my bed. while you were with my dog.

so go run your mouth and ruin my reputation, you'll always have that gnawing feeling in your gut that tells you that YOU DID THIS. i didn't.

it's hard, but you know it's worth the fight
cause you know you've got the truth on your side
when the accusations fly, hold tight
and don't be afraid of what they'll say
who cares what cowards think anyway
they will understand one day, one day

dream a little dream.

i haven't had good crazy dreams in years and years. they've been night terrors, sad, terrifying, everything short of seriously messed up. or actually seriously messed up, considering i've woken screaming, shrieking, crying or punching a wall.

but last night, i believe due to some very good conversation lately about dreams, i had a doozie.

i decided to walk my dog around my neighborhood wearing a killer black dress and my red heels. so i was dog walking wearing this:

(the dress is a little off, but these are the heels in my closet that i chose for dog walking)

the other night, in real life, while i was walking my dog, i met a sweet couple that live in one of the houses on elizabeth. the houses on elizabeth are MANSIONS. very old, one of the oldest streets in fort worth. beautiful. anyway this real life couple lives in one of them and i want very badly to see the inside.

anyway, so in my dream, i decided to stop by and say hello! so i knocked on the door, and they let me in... a gay couple mind you, and i only tell you this because it got all warped in my dream. and they had six german shepherd puppies and a mama. and the house was beautiful. stunning. then, out of nowhere, the guys start hazing me to see if i "pass" to hang out at their house. it was awful, but i just kept laughing at it, to show them i could handle it. then out of nowhere, a woman walks in, and she's gorgeous, and incredibly ecclectic and intelligent, and she looks like a wolf. like, hair in funny spots around her ears, but just gorgeous. so wolf woman, as it turns out, is the wife of one of the guys. hence total confusion.... in real life the couple is gay, so why in my dream was one of them married to a woman? anyway...

so i spent some time talking to wolf woman, and she just had so many interested things to say, i'm captivated. and she has amazing artwork everywhere, and stacks and stacks of books. enraptured. then i look out the back windows and realize their back yard looks like new zealand. or pandora. STUNNING. so we start walking through the house, the lot of us, dogs, dudes, wolf woman, and i notice these TINY LITTLE people, that look kind of like gnomes, but aren't.

i ask wolf woman why she has so many of them, and she lets me know that these are the unwanted teensy adults, that most of them are 30 or 40 or 50 years old, but they're so tiny, and hard to take care of, that people just don't. so she opened her home to scores of little adult people gnomes, and they all lived there in tiny beds and tiny bathtubs. she rebuilt part of her beautiful old mansion to house all things gnome sized.

so then the whole troup walks back to the other side of the house, into the kitchen, and we all start cooking together, and that's where it gets hazy.

FUCKIN EPIC.

maybe one day i'll get married, and maybe one day it will look like this.