Wednesday, July 25, 2012

three hundred sixty five.

what change a year can bring.

i am constantly, in each moment, thankful for all the changes i've experienced over the last year. a year ago, i was in a miserable, broken place. a place i thought i couldn't escape, a place that turned my world on its head. and a year later, i could not be more thankful that it all happened the way it bring me here, now.

it's funny how sometimes you have to let go of something you absolutely don't want to... in order to realize how much more you deserve.

i watched a movie this morning that made me think of him, fondly and with nostalgia for the first time in a long time. make no's taken drastic change to get far, far away from that situation... a new city, new email, new phone number...but there was a glimmer of fondness. for about five seconds...

only to be told the nasty remarks that were sent as recently as last week, from him to me. nipped that nostalgia right in the bud. why, after it's been made abundantly clear i want no part of it anymore, still try? and by try, of course, i mean insult and demean.

i was told recently that somebody reads this, you can guess who you are...

the things you are being told about me are the same things i was told about everyone before me. take a minute, consider some logic, and think. what's the common theme, where does the flaw actually lie? it's not a difficult conclusion to arrive at if you aren't swallowed up in years of one sided love.

it's all so tragically comical to me now. there are hints of sadness, little twinges, but more than anything it's mind bogglingly down right funny. the things people hide behind. the refusal to treat people with decency. the slander of the word love and all it should stand for, and how it's misused and abused and cheapened.

all i can say is i am so thankful NOT to be part of it anymore. there is way bigger, way better than that for me in this life. no more settling, and you shouldn't either. yes, you.

yo ho yo ho <3

Wednesday, February 22, 2012


he's cuter than cute. he takes care of his body consistently. he's from alaska. he's well educated. he's quick witted and hilarious. he's just as confused as i am. he's honest and he's patient. he's nothing short of adorable.

solid gold.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

now that's some truth.

Pathological liars

Lying is the act of concealing the truth [4]. Most people do so out of fear.[5] Pathological lying is considered a mental illness, because it takes over rational judgement, and progresses into the fantasy world and back.[6]
Excessive lying is a common symptom of several mental illnesses. For instance, people who suffer from antisocial personality disorder, use lying to benefit from others. Some individuals with borderline personality disorder, lie for attention by claiming they’ve been treated poorly.[7] Pathological lying, on the other hand, can be described as an addiction to lying. It is when an individual consistently lies for no personal gain. The lies are commonly transparent and often seem rather pointless.[8]
There are many consequences for being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most of their relationships and friendships fail. And, if it continues to progress, their lying could get them into trouble with the law.[9]
Psychotherapy appears to be one of the only methods to treat a person suffering from pathological lying. There has been no research done about pharmaceutical medication, to potentially help decrease patients lying.[10] Some research has been done, that suggests some people may have a “predisposition to lying”.[11]
Pathological lying is a complex phenomenon; differing from any other mental illness. It has many life changing consequences for those having to live with the illness. At this point, however, there is not enough research in the area of pathological lying, to guarantee a cure.


Tuesday, November 8, 2011

light bulb.

i've put myself in a place of isolation lately, and it's been terrifying and productive. i'm realizing a lot, having cut so much out of my life.

a) my worth. through a series of dysfunctional relationships and an unhealthy self perception, i let my self worth die a slow and painful death over the years. found myself incapable of finding my worth in myself. this period of self-imposed isolation has helped me realize how very important it is to love myself, to make time for myself and to stand up for myself. a dear friend told me recently... "v, even back in college, you were the perfect student, the perfect employee, but YOU were always a mess. you still have never learned to stop investing in everything and everyone and start investing in you." some people have said i'm being selfish in this process, and maybe i am, but it certainly is a long time coming and very worthwhile.

b) my hobbies. i've neglected so many of my interests over the past few years because i'm too busy trying to fix everything and everyone. as another friend told me, not so recently... "you used to be so interesting. i'm sorry, but you've become boring." because i put all of my energy into others and work and this and that and NONE into myself. this shit stops today. more selfishness? perhaps. but no matter which way you spin it, i think this is something i desperately need to do at this point in my life. be selfish. focus on myself. cut out all the negativity and thrive in community, support and love.

c) my social life. i think i've been using it for years and years now as an escape. an escape from my relationships, my past, myself. no more of that. through that i became far too trusting and not realistic in my expectations of people and how they react, mostly, how they react to me. i'm far too easily crushed by stones being thrown, or disapproval, or what i perceive to be a lack of support or investment in me/our relationship. that's not to say i don't still believe that community is INCREDIBLY important. i think i just need to be more selective about who i let in and how far, and i need to keep myself in check to ensure i'm not hiding behind my natural ability to be a social butterfly.

d) my faith. i have a few core beliefs that have remained intact over the years. but the last six months have shaken even those. i need to rediscover what it is i believe and why. why some things, from a faith perspective, i cling to, without much knowledge as to why. my upbringing. why does the catholic church still mean so much to me? is this something i want to get involved in, despite some beliefs that i do have that are in direct contradiction to some of the fundementals of catholicism? why is it that the prayers i learned as a little girl still mean so much to me today, after years of inactivity? why do they bring inexplicable calm when muttered? these are things i want to explore, in the hopes of becoming a better person, more loving, more patient, more hopeful and more grown.

so there are just a few of the thoughts i'm attempting to organize and file away in my head, attempting to choose where and how to invest in these revelations. i really think the last six months, as painful as they have been, needed to happen. i was in such a monotonous place, simply treading water and making it through each passing day, with no great expectations for myself or my life. i want more from my days, and only i can give myself that.