my heart is singing again.

when reality sets in.

i just had to delete a long rant that named names about what's happened in my life over the past two years. as much as i want to call everyone out, i'm just not that bitchy, so i won't.

but you know who you are.

i didn't do this. i kicked you out of my house after years of you trying to hook up with other girls while we were together. i kicked you out because you planned to fly out and see her on my birthday. while you were in my bed. while you were with my dog.

so go run your mouth and ruin my reputation, you'll always have that gnawing feeling in your gut that tells you that YOU DID THIS. i didn't.

it's hard, but you know it's worth the fight
cause you know you've got the truth on your side
when the accusations fly, hold tight
and don't be afraid of what they'll say
who cares what cowards think anyway
they will understand one day, one day

dream a little dream.

i haven't had good crazy dreams in years and years. they've been night terrors, sad, terrifying, everything short of seriously messed up. or actually seriously messed up, considering i've woken screaming, shrieking, crying or punching a wall.

but last night, i believe due to some very good conversation lately about dreams, i had a doozie.

i decided to walk my dog around my neighborhood wearing a killer black dress and my red heels. so i was dog walking wearing this:

(the dress is a little off, but these are the heels in my closet that i chose for dog walking)

the other night, in real life, while i was walking my dog, i met a sweet couple that live in one of the houses on elizabeth. the houses on elizabeth are MANSIONS. very old, one of the oldest streets in fort worth. beautiful. anyway this real life couple lives in one of them and i want very badly to see the inside.

anyway, so in my dream, i decided to stop by and say hello! so i knocked on the door, and they let me in... a gay couple mind you, and i only tell you this because it got all warped in my dream. and they had six german shepherd puppies and a mama. and the house was beautiful. stunning. then, out of nowhere, the guys start hazing me to see if i "pass" to hang out at their house. it was awful, but i just kept laughing at it, to show them i could handle it. then out of nowhere, a woman walks in, and she's gorgeous, and incredibly ecclectic and intelligent, and she looks like a wolf. like, hair in funny spots around her ears, but just gorgeous. so wolf woman, as it turns out, is the wife of one of the guys. hence total confusion.... in real life the couple is gay, so why in my dream was one of them married to a woman? anyway...

so i spent some time talking to wolf woman, and she just had so many interested things to say, i'm captivated. and she has amazing artwork everywhere, and stacks and stacks of books. enraptured. then i look out the back windows and realize their back yard looks like new zealand. or pandora. STUNNING. so we start walking through the house, the lot of us, dogs, dudes, wolf woman, and i notice these TINY LITTLE people, that look kind of like gnomes, but aren't.

i ask wolf woman why she has so many of them, and she lets me know that these are the unwanted teensy adults, that most of them are 30 or 40 or 50 years old, but they're so tiny, and hard to take care of, that people just don't. so she opened her home to scores of little adult people gnomes, and they all lived there in tiny beds and tiny bathtubs. she rebuilt part of her beautiful old mansion to house all things gnome sized.

so then the whole troup walks back to the other side of the house, into the kitchen, and we all start cooking together, and that's where it gets hazy.

FUCKIN EPIC.

maybe one day i'll get married, and maybe one day it will look like this.

Lightning strikes
Inside my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really every wins
In heartbreak warfare
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
Drop her name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain
Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through it all.
It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambient
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak warfare.

forever on my skin.

to keep from drifting apart.

"i don't fuck around when it comes to tea." -classic.

detail oriented.

last night, i'm sitting there, stuck at the train behind my house. trying desperately NOT to think about anything anymore. thinking about Bram. thinking about the future. thinking about the catfish in the seat next to me for dinner.

when i decide to look to my left, to the where house. where i used to spend most of my time. oh, look, casey has covered the windows at the top with blankets. oh....

and there starring back at me from across the street is your blanket. the one we kept at our apartment the first week we got it.

i hate that i notice things like this. being detail oriented means i'm great at my job, an amazing cook, and have a knack for decorating... but it also means there are pieces of you everywhere, in the corners of my mind, in the window of the where house, that i'm desperately trying to ignore or forget.

i don't have to be your tragedy
just let me close & you'll see

physical ---> emotional.

it's amazing to me how the emotional can affect the physical.

for some sick reason, i just tortured myself with reading through your posts, the posts you made while you were lying to me. posts you very likely made with her in mind, knowing she was reading them.

and i broke out into a sweat and felt like i was going to be sick.

when will this feeling end? you say i'm mean, well, wouldn't you be, too?