Tuesday, September 28, 2010

white knuckles on turned wheels.

a new, dear friend gave me some very positive advice last night over a rousing game of pool (which i am terrible awful at):

"if you can find any peace about it, even just a little bit... cling to that. know that if there's any peace in it at all, it'll all work out okay."

i'm going to hold to that tightly the next couple of weeks, so tightly i expect my knuckles to turn and stay white.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

heartbreak warfare.

i wrote this yesterday before. before. before.

she went home one friday after work
at 5:00 o'clock on the dot
she laid down in her bed
and never got up again

she died of pure heart ache
never opened her eyes to cry again
never opened her mouth to sigh again
never opened her arms to love again

her heart simply quit beating
quit pumping
quit loving
she gave it away one too many times

her heart couldn't take it anymore
it betrayed her
it threw up its hands and waved the white flag
and screamed it is done

with this final declaration it stopped
time stopped
blood stopped
breath stopped
life stopped
and her wounded tired body finally had rest

Monday, September 20, 2010

reindeer games.

"i thought i would have been stronger by now... i'm afraid i deserve it."

whaaaaddddddaaa weekend. so much happy and laughing mixed in with anger and sadness. lots of lives are lonely and broken, and sometimes, it's good just to be in the company of those who are in the middle of sadness with you. things i experienced this weekend contributing to both:

-much needed hang time with lauren owens
-hopkins county stew festival experiencing
-being picked apart by my family for how i look, talk, act, live.... again
-taking some of the blame for being a negative influence on my little sister... again
-food poisoning
-seeing my sweet momma
-getting stood up by my not sweet daddy
-being put through the ringer by my caring but harsh step daddy
-spice world
-beautiful lovely friends who love me just as i am
-good food, bad food, shitty food
-sweet babes; niece and nephew
-not sweet babes; screaming fit throwing niece and nephew
-accepting needed help even though it's laced with guilt and judgement
-wanting to join in the reindeer games in moments of weary weakness

i could sleep for days and days.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

pea green with envy.

jealousy is such a funny thing to think about, and much like pain and misery, it's completely universal. everyone longs for something that they don't have, or is just out of reach.

i don't really envy stuff. i envy attention, affection and affirmation. i straight up annoy myself by getting jealous about those things in multiple relationships in my life. the thing is, i've made plenty of choices that nearly prevent me from being able to attain the very things i'm jealous of. it's when other people's choices prevent me from attainting those things that i work myself in a tizzy.

i am currently stuck in a self created tizzy.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

you look precious, bright.

it's amazing to me how i can still somehow trick the passersby around me into thinking i'm calm and collected, peaceful and a-okay. maybe there's a part of me that even i can't see that others can that's precious and bright. lord knows i don't feel like i emit any type of glow like that, not lately, anyway. your aura, it's purple...

i miss him. already. and he's still over the ocean, my superman with the stars and the birds. that's not new news, though. that's expected. i'll be just fine while he's gone, but the days won't be as lush and as memorable. and he'll be back. and he'll stay mine the whole time he's away. i don't doubt any of these things. but do i ever miss him.

i can honestly say he's the one person who has seen me at my very best and also at my very, very worst... and he still hasn't run away screaming. that astounds me. lately i've only been my very worst. there are few who can tolerate it. then again, there are few that know all the gory details of why i'm at my worst. so maybe it's not that they can't tolerate it, maybe it's just that i haven't let many people all the way in. either way. he's still here. that's pretty fucking cool.

enough is enough. i know my few readers and creepers don't want to hear only about how much i'm in love with my best friend. happy rain, people. enjoy it.

Friday, September 3, 2010

and then i heard an armored march.

some days are really hard. some days i feel like i'm drowning in all of this.

but truly, sincerely, overall, i'm the happiest i've ever been in my life. it feels amazing to wake up every day, no matter what's going on or what i've got on my plate for a temporary spell, and know in my heart that i'm walking the right road, heading in the right direction, and i can feel a deep peace and joy because of it.