tiny cities made of ashes.

1) i had a duel with a bee first thing this morning. both of us escaped uninjured, unharmed. he decided to hang out in my dreads while i drove to work. i was expecting an attack at any moment, but when i finally stopped the car, i turned around and realized he was just chilling on my headrest. good thing i didn't feel heavy headed. i told him to have a good day and be on his merry way.

2) two little girls playing with an earth worm on the sidewalk, the mother says sternly DO NOT TOUCH THAT. when did it become a bad thing for children to get dirty? shouldn't children be playing with earth worms? maybe we'd all be a little more down to earth and a little less afraid if we regularly sunk our hands into the earth and remembered it's okay to get your hands dirty.

3) i realllllllly enjoy laminating things.

4) i am afraid. terrified. a deer in headlights, bracing myself for impact at every second. but that doesn't mean i'm going to let the fear take the wheel and steer. (thanks, brandon.) i can only hope the same for you.

leftovers.

it's funny to me how much i haven't been able to see. probably because of my own laundry list of past mistakes.

but it's also funny how much it's thrown in my face to see, the reason i get leftovers. it's funny how it pops up in my news feed and reminds me, not enough.

do you know me at all.

christmas. idiot. perfect. fix this. i've made my mind.

words i've wanted to hear. actions being taken to back those words.

steady. steady. hold your cards close, v.

there's always someone cooler than you.

"no offense or anything, but how you've acted regularly up to this point is what got you where you are...

why not try something different?"

yup.

perspective.

she said to me, what would you tell me if somebody was saying those things to me?

i said, i'd tell you not to listen to it anymore.

she's right.

the things i'm too afraid to say.

if you won't treat me that way, i won't act it, not anymore.

i think you're a coward.

i think here's how yesterday should have gone: you came in and said you're sorry. said you were done hiding behind broken coping mechanisms and past failures. said you were done acting out fear and fear of the unknown and instead you'd start acting out of what you DO know. you would have had flowers. you would get over your pride and admit that what scares you the most about us is the notion that we will last forever. your pride. that's probably the most difficult thing to deal with... maybe that's because for me, when it comes to love, pride doesn't exist. i'm never too proud to show or express love, admit when i'm wrong, admit when i'm afraid, ask for comfort or affirmation. pride destroys relationships.

what comes to mind is when heath ledger sings can't take my eyes off of you to julia stiles in ten things i hate about you. never too proud to make things right. but you are, even though you've backtracked like crazy. i hope your pride is worth all of this.

white knuckles on turned wheels.

a new, dear friend gave me some very positive advice last night over a rousing game of pool (which i am terrible awful at):

"if you can find any peace about it, even just a little bit... cling to that. know that if there's any peace in it at all, it'll all work out okay."

i'm going to hold to that tightly the next couple of weeks, so tightly i expect my knuckles to turn and stay white.

heartbreak warfare.

i wrote this yesterday before. before. before.

she went home one friday after work
at 5:00 o'clock on the dot
she laid down in her bed
and never got up again

she died of pure heart ache
never opened her eyes to cry again
never opened her mouth to sigh again
never opened her arms to love again

her heart simply quit beating
quit pumping
quit loving
she gave it away one too many times

her heart couldn't take it anymore
it betrayed her
it threw up its hands and waved the white flag
and screamed it is done

with this final declaration it stopped
time stopped
blood stopped
breath stopped
life stopped
and her wounded tired body finally had rest

reindeer games.

"i thought i would have been stronger by now... i'm afraid i deserve it."

whaaaaddddddaaa weekend. so much happy and laughing mixed in with anger and sadness. lots of lives are lonely and broken, and sometimes, it's good just to be in the company of those who are in the middle of sadness with you. things i experienced this weekend contributing to both:

-much needed hang time with lauren owens
-hopkins county stew festival experiencing
-being picked apart by my family for how i look, talk, act, live.... again
-taking some of the blame for being a negative influence on my little sister... again
-food poisoning
-seeing my sweet momma
-getting stood up by my not sweet daddy
-being put through the ringer by my caring but harsh step daddy
-spice world
-beautiful lovely friends who love me just as i am
-good food, bad food, shitty food
-sweet babes; niece and nephew
-not sweet babes; screaming fit throwing niece and nephew
-accepting needed help even though it's laced with guilt and judgement
-wanting to join in the reindeer games in moments of weary weakness

i could sleep for days and days.

pea green with envy.

jealousy is such a funny thing to think about, and much like pain and misery, it's completely universal. everyone longs for something that they don't have, or is just out of reach.

i don't really envy stuff. i envy attention, affection and affirmation. i straight up annoy myself by getting jealous about those things in multiple relationships in my life. the thing is, i've made plenty of choices that nearly prevent me from being able to attain the very things i'm jealous of. it's when other people's choices prevent me from attainting those things that i work myself in a tizzy.

i am currently stuck in a self created tizzy.

you look precious, bright.

it's amazing to me how i can still somehow trick the passersby around me into thinking i'm calm and collected, peaceful and a-okay. maybe there's a part of me that even i can't see that others can that's precious and bright. lord knows i don't feel like i emit any type of glow like that, not lately, anyway. your aura, it's purple...

i miss him. already. and he's still over the ocean, my superman with the stars and the birds. that's not new news, though. that's expected. i'll be just fine while he's gone, but the days won't be as lush and as memorable. and he'll be back. and he'll stay mine the whole time he's away. i don't doubt any of these things. but do i ever miss him.

i can honestly say he's the one person who has seen me at my very best and also at my very, very worst... and he still hasn't run away screaming. that astounds me. lately i've only been my very worst. there are few who can tolerate it. then again, there are few that know all the gory details of why i'm at my worst. so maybe it's not that they can't tolerate it, maybe it's just that i haven't let many people all the way in. either way. he's still here. that's pretty fucking cool.

enough is enough. i know my few readers and creepers don't want to hear only about how much i'm in love with my best friend. happy rain, people. enjoy it.

and then i heard an armored march.

some days are really hard. some days i feel like i'm drowning in all of this.

but truly, sincerely, overall, i'm the happiest i've ever been in my life. it feels amazing to wake up every day, no matter what's going on or what i've got on my plate for a temporary spell, and know in my heart that i'm walking the right road, heading in the right direction, and i can feel a deep peace and joy because of it.

:)

stingy.

dear world, in particular, austrailia and the left coast of the US:

i do not want to share shane blay with you. i want to be selfish and keep him here so i can hold him and laugh with him and make stupid faces at him and sometimes annoy him. i don't want him to leave. i try not to think about it, but sometimes, the thoughts creep in. it's bad enough having your lover gone, but your best friend, too? it's a double whammy. one of the worst-very-worst parts is, after he's been gone about a week, i can't smell him anymore. not on my pillow. not in my hair. not on my clothes. not on my skin. honest to goodness, i will cry about a week in, when i realize nothing smells like him anymore.

i do not want shane blay to leave. i don't i don't i don't. i want to be selfish with him and keep him here all to myself. alas...

he's got too much beauty to share with the world. much too much. so i'll send him off with a smile and high hopes for good things for him. please take care of him, world. treat him right, feed him well, keep him safe. listen to his voice and bask in the creativity and beauty his heart is sharing with you. buy some merch. say a kind word to him. don't steal his gear (fuck you, connecticut). be thankful for his parents, who are the reason he's out there, world, sharing his gifts with you. help me share him by telling others about the soul-moving music he writes. send him back to me quick and all in one piece.

don't say a word just come over, and lie here with me.
cause i'm just about to set fire to everything i see.
i want you so bad i'll go back on the things i believe.
there, i just said it, i'm scared you'll forget about me.

good riddance.

all i can say is this: i know a lot of good people. a lot of good people love me.

my mom is my hero, always taking the bullet for me, always finding a seemingly impossible way to make things right.

my family refuses to let me fall, even if it means they fall in my place, even if means they make sacrifices simply so i can stand.

my friends take hold of my arms when i start to stumble, and sometimes stumble with me just so i won't be alone in it.

my shane, you pick me up and carry me upstairs when i'm sitting in a heap of mess without direction or confidence or understanding or logic. you wrap me up in your arms and just let me be, whatever i am, wherever i am, and you love me as i am. you're my protector, my best friend, my love.

this is all i need in life. i'm ready to dig my heels in now.

in the great words of peter griffin.

you know what really grinds my gears? usually something i see on facebook. it's been a two-for-one week for that. i'll start with today's.

newsflash: we are all part of the human race. by default, this means we all experience pain and trauma. each and every one of us. nobody is immune to daddy issues, relationship baggage or undeserved ill treatment. everyone experiences it. what grinds my gears is when people waste time feeling sorry for themselves about it. or wallow publicly about their pain to try and get attention. firstly, it's a tad tacky to wallow publicy. secondly, attention won't fix your issues. you're just wasting your time and mine. you are not special because of your pain. in fact, pain is the one universal thing on the planet. in my humble opinion, you can be aware of your pain and use it to grow stronger, be more thoughtful, even when you don't understand it, or you can use it as an excuse to make poor decisions and hurt others. i don't have much respect for people who use it as an excuse. it hurts, all of us hurt; there's nothing that makes your hurt so insurmountable that you are unique and special. pain is all the same.

in addition: i'm so tired of the false confidence social networking lends people who are actually cowards in real life. i got a nasty facebook message from somebody yesterday who doesn't even know me. who i've had one facebook interaction with. the things that were said, would never be said to my face, i'm certain of that. it's just incredible to me the things that people will do or say via the internet, or through a text message. the internet is cool, but i think it's broken human interaction and communication. people rely too heavily on it, use it to ego boost and have learned to communicate in a way they wouldn't ever in person. it's sad more than anything else.

that's enough grinding of gears for today. it's raining and it smells lovely outside. kìyevame.

an open letter.

i started writing a very angry, heavily coded blog post / letter to three females who have in some way been a very negative part of my life lately, but then decided, nahhhh. they aren't worth it. instead i'll make very brief, honest points about each of them.

5) virgil's teeth: you talk about yourself wayyyyy too much.

3) sorrow sucker: you give off a very distinct vibe of being a band slut.

2) captain oats: thank you for breaking his heart so that i could be the one to put it back together, hold it close and keep it safe.

that's all. :)

ps - i love him. every bit of him. from head to toe.

we all have a sickness.

i sincerely wish i had less melancholy things to write about. unfortunately, it just wouldn't be true, for me, if it wasn't melancholy.

i want the opposite of melancholy. but you won't seem to let us have it.

story of my life.

dangerously complex inner workings.

to the male half of humanity:

I AM A GIRL. I LIKE TO BE GIRLY TO A LIMITED EXTENT. THIS DOES NOT MAKE ME HIGH MAINTENANCE OR CRAZY.

what this means to me specifically:

-i like dates, i like to go on them. fast food doesn't count. neither does me paying. it's preferable if you think of what to do, rather than have me plan it for you.
-i like flowers, yes, flowers. it's why i have them tattooed on my fucking arm. no you don't have to buy a dozen roses. just pick a freaking dandelion and watch me smile.
-i much prefer you telling me i'm pretty over hearing you tell other girls they are.
-if you are away from me, i want you to have a good time, but i do not want to hear how you don't miss me or don't think of me; i'd like to know you miss me. lie if you have to.
-i appreciate good time management skills. maybe this isn't girly, this has more to do with my OCD nature.
-i enjoy "the notebook" style kisses. it shows you've got confidence, balls. confident balls.
-i want to know chivalry is not dead. please show me that. i don't need you to baby me or take care of me. i work, i pay my own bills, i can fix certain aspects of my own car. i am self sufficient; this does not mean i don't need chivalry from time to time. learn to be a modern day knight.

i don't think any of this is too difficult, is it too difficult? am i difficult? i must be difficult. clearly, i am difficult.

the scarlet letter.

"it's hard, but you know it's worth the fight
cause you know you've got the truth on your side
when the accusations fly, hold tight
and don't be afraid of what they'll say
who cares what cowards think anyway
they will understand one day, one day."

this is from a song in a movie, a movie i've loved for years and years, but is a little bit tainted for me now, because the lead role looks just like somebody i don't ever want popping up in my head (or yours). either way, these lyrics, i've had posted by my computer at work for months. they are oddly relevant to where i'm at in life right now.

i made a choice. a well informed, well thought out, long awaited choice. and for one reason or another, that choice seems to be up for public conversation and judgement. some don't care at all, some come up with theories or opinions out of thin air, and very few know the full on honest truth and stand by me and my choice. the point is, it was my experience. mine only. i know and cling to the truth, and that's why i couldn't give two shits about what people say or think, why i won't let that determine how or when i live my life. because i know my heart, and worked so hard at making the right choice, i'm confident in where i'm at and what i'm doing now. it's more than irksome to hear about people talking about my choice, my experience, when really, they have no information or grounds to speak on. but people always need a little entertainment, yes?

it's cheesy, but the truth really will set you free. i have the truth. and i don't have to share it or broadcast it or defend myself to anybody, it's plain and simple: i am not afraid because i make good decisions based on the truth. so talk. theorize. speak of the should haves and would haves. let assumptions and rumors dictate what you think or what your actions are. keep pinning that A on my chest. keep holding back because of fear and fear alone. i am sure and steady because i have the truth. unshakeable. unwavering.

steady now, steady now.

six and twenty.

i don't anticipate giving too much of myself away on this. that's risky. stay guarded, that's the message life is trying desperately to teach me right now. and so, i will try, here especially.

i am weary. weary weary. dream of laying in bed for days on end without getting up weary. if you know me well, you know this has been the most difficult year of my life. i don't let that show very often, to very many. part of that practicing being guarded thing. it's been a year for massive, intentional, necessary change. a year for redefinition and rediscovery. it's amazing how much all of that can wear you plum out, and open your eyes to lots along the way.

this year has taught me a lot about communication. human interaction. how the simplest word, smile or gesture can make or break your day. how one act of selflessness or selfishness can make you see a person in an entirely different light. how fragile human beings really are. how you just don't know what people are carrying around with them, the pain and suffering, the brokenness and fear.

i don't know that there's a point to this. it's simply an observation. probably because for years and years, people have told me how strong i am, what a warrior i am in this thing called life. and i'm starting to realize i don't feel strong, i don't feel like a warrior. a dear friend once told me that i reminded her of a roman warrior, on the front lines, with spikes in the bottom of my sandals so i could literally dig in and fight the enemy. i want to see myself as that, but there are just far too many cracks at this point to call myself a roman warrior anymore.