disconnect.

i've realized over the past few months something about myself; there is a serious disconnect between my head and my heart. the two simply will not join forces; my head screams one thing while my heart sings something entirely different. makes this whole day-to-day decision making process quite the cluster fuck.

i'm currently sitting in an ocean of silence. forced as it may be, i think it's been productive. it's given me some time to think. to think about what i deserve and don't deserve, to reflect on my own short comings and see areas of myself i can grow and improve. to outline and define my lines, my boundaries; to know how much you can color outside the lines without entirely changing the big picture, all together, for good.

i'm reminded once again that i am an idealist at heart. wide-eyed and looking for the good everywhere in everyone, usually only to be let down by my own expectations. people are not good at heart. again....head / heart. my head has learned this. my head knows that not everyone has good intentions and not everyone is honest or respectful. my head understands people will hurt anybody for their own personal gain. my heart does not want to believe it's true. but i watch. i watch interactions. i read words on lips. i see looks in eyes. i see what happens when your back is turned, when mine is. i've seen and felt deception on far too many levels, now, to stay in neverland. and i know, humanity is a cruel, fallen race of animal destined to destroy our own. and it breaks my heart.

She was your Rosaline, but I am your Juliet
I could make you think your swan a crow
But dear if you won’t leap and build your wings
They will fall off before they ever grow
Half of your heart, you said
Wishful thinking kept me from believing
Because isn’t poetry far more lovely
Than the ugly truths you sing?

But Romeo you still haven’t seen the light that breaks
But Romeo you still haven’t loved the sun
An age old tale is no match for us
When so many things are left undone

Oh Romeo, Romeo, where did you go?
Why have you forsaken me and what’s left to know?
Give me my sin again
Give me my sin again