disconnect.

i've realized over the past few months something about myself; there is a serious disconnect between my head and my heart. the two simply will not join forces; my head screams one thing while my heart sings something entirely different. makes this whole day-to-day decision making process quite the cluster fuck.

i'm currently sitting in an ocean of silence. forced as it may be, i think it's been productive. it's given me some time to think. to think about what i deserve and don't deserve, to reflect on my own short comings and see areas of myself i can grow and improve. to outline and define my lines, my boundaries; to know how much you can color outside the lines without entirely changing the big picture, all together, for good.

i'm reminded once again that i am an idealist at heart. wide-eyed and looking for the good everywhere in everyone, usually only to be let down by my own expectations. people are not good at heart. again....head / heart. my head has learned this. my head knows that not everyone has good intentions and not everyone is honest or respectful. my head understands people will hurt anybody for their own personal gain. my heart does not want to believe it's true. but i watch. i watch interactions. i read words on lips. i see looks in eyes. i see what happens when your back is turned, when mine is. i've seen and felt deception on far too many levels, now, to stay in neverland. and i know, humanity is a cruel, fallen race of animal destined to destroy our own. and it breaks my heart.

She was your Rosaline, but I am your Juliet
I could make you think your swan a crow
But dear if you won’t leap and build your wings
They will fall off before they ever grow
Half of your heart, you said
Wishful thinking kept me from believing
Because isn’t poetry far more lovely
Than the ugly truths you sing?

But Romeo you still haven’t seen the light that breaks
But Romeo you still haven’t loved the sun
An age old tale is no match for us
When so many things are left undone

Oh Romeo, Romeo, where did you go?
Why have you forsaken me and what’s left to know?
Give me my sin again
Give me my sin again

tiny cities made of ashes.

1) i had a duel with a bee first thing this morning. both of us escaped uninjured, unharmed. he decided to hang out in my dreads while i drove to work. i was expecting an attack at any moment, but when i finally stopped the car, i turned around and realized he was just chilling on my headrest. good thing i didn't feel heavy headed. i told him to have a good day and be on his merry way.

2) two little girls playing with an earth worm on the sidewalk, the mother says sternly DO NOT TOUCH THAT. when did it become a bad thing for children to get dirty? shouldn't children be playing with earth worms? maybe we'd all be a little more down to earth and a little less afraid if we regularly sunk our hands into the earth and remembered it's okay to get your hands dirty.

3) i realllllllly enjoy laminating things.

4) i am afraid. terrified. a deer in headlights, bracing myself for impact at every second. but that doesn't mean i'm going to let the fear take the wheel and steer. (thanks, brandon.) i can only hope the same for you.

leftovers.

it's funny to me how much i haven't been able to see. probably because of my own laundry list of past mistakes.

but it's also funny how much it's thrown in my face to see, the reason i get leftovers. it's funny how it pops up in my news feed and reminds me, not enough.

do you know me at all.

christmas. idiot. perfect. fix this. i've made my mind.

words i've wanted to hear. actions being taken to back those words.

steady. steady. hold your cards close, v.

there's always someone cooler than you.

"no offense or anything, but how you've acted regularly up to this point is what got you where you are...

why not try something different?"

yup.

perspective.

she said to me, what would you tell me if somebody was saying those things to me?

i said, i'd tell you not to listen to it anymore.

she's right.

the things i'm too afraid to say.

if you won't treat me that way, i won't act it, not anymore.

i think you're a coward.

i think here's how yesterday should have gone: you came in and said you're sorry. said you were done hiding behind broken coping mechanisms and past failures. said you were done acting out fear and fear of the unknown and instead you'd start acting out of what you DO know. you would have had flowers. you would get over your pride and admit that what scares you the most about us is the notion that we will last forever. your pride. that's probably the most difficult thing to deal with... maybe that's because for me, when it comes to love, pride doesn't exist. i'm never too proud to show or express love, admit when i'm wrong, admit when i'm afraid, ask for comfort or affirmation. pride destroys relationships.

what comes to mind is when heath ledger sings can't take my eyes off of you to julia stiles in ten things i hate about you. never too proud to make things right. but you are, even though you've backtracked like crazy. i hope your pride is worth all of this.