Monday, August 2, 2010

six and twenty.

i don't anticipate giving too much of myself away on this. that's risky. stay guarded, that's the message life is trying desperately to teach me right now. and so, i will try, here especially.

i am weary. weary weary. dream of laying in bed for days on end without getting up weary. if you know me well, you know this has been the most difficult year of my life. i don't let that show very often, to very many. part of that practicing being guarded thing. it's been a year for massive, intentional, necessary change. a year for redefinition and rediscovery. it's amazing how much all of that can wear you plum out, and open your eyes to lots along the way.

this year has taught me a lot about communication. human interaction. how the simplest word, smile or gesture can make or break your day. how one act of selflessness or selfishness can make you see a person in an entirely different light. how fragile human beings really are. how you just don't know what people are carrying around with them, the pain and suffering, the brokenness and fear.

i don't know that there's a point to this. it's simply an observation. probably because for years and years, people have told me how strong i am, what a warrior i am in this thing called life. and i'm starting to realize i don't feel strong, i don't feel like a warrior. a dear friend once told me that i reminded her of a roman warrior, on the front lines, with spikes in the bottom of my sandals so i could literally dig in and fight the enemy. i want to see myself as that, but there are just far too many cracks at this point to call myself a roman warrior anymore.

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